There have been times in my life, when I wonder how I got through the day, the week, the month. I will tell my stories each in a short story, only to share some of the more intimate parts of my life , that show you, my client, my reader, my friends, that You can come back if you believe in you! For outside every depth of trauma or drama, there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter the challenge, tomorrow is another day.
If you continue to read you must know that these are very intimate descriptions of times in my life that could upset or make some feel uncomfortable. The topics included here are about child abuse, rape and cancer, and while they are not intensely graphic, they do contain descriptions that will be honest and therefore may be offensive to some. It is your choice to read on.
MY CHILDHOOD OF CHILD ABUSE
While growing up I was the child of an alcoholic and drug addict. I was beaten so badly I landed in the hospital on more than 10 occasions before the age of twelve. The belt was still a form of punishment that was accepted by society when used on the buttocks, during the 1950′s and 60′s. But at the age of 6 or 7, I had learned to control my crying and screaming so not to receive extra licks on my behind, and that made my mother very mad, so she got sloppy and started beating my back and the backs of my legs. She would “spank me” with the belt, and I cried silently, careful not to let out any screams. Then when I didn’t cry out, she became even madder. I just didn’t seem to win in this situation, what was a 7 year old to do? There were many reasons my mother would get mad enough to beat me, I had left my clothes on the floor after changing, I didn’t finish my cereal at breakfast (she would save it for me to eat when I got home from school, it was usually cheerios and soggy cheerios were gross, so by refusing to eat it or gagging it down would mean a spanking). There was a day when my back was beaten so bad at recess at school my back started bleeding through my t-shirt, and I was sent to the nurse’s office, where I begged the nurse not to call my mom, or I would get in trouble. The times have drastically changed since then, and that behavior would not be tolerated today, but back then somehow I knew it would be ok one day. Call it faith (I was a catholic back then), my need for prayer was done several times a day, or just my need for a relationship with God, I just knew he/she was there and I would live to see better days. The last incident with my mother, I was twelve years old, and I remember waking up in the hospital, I had been in a coma for 3 days. At first I didn’t remember much, and then it came to me. I had done the dishes after dinner, and one of the skillets, a cast iron one, had a piece of dried caked on cornbread on the side. I vaguely remember her yelling at me, and I had no answer for her, because I was afraid to say the wrong thing, and then across the head came the iron skillet, apparently so hard it gave me a concussion that left me unconscious for 3 days. I did not return home to my mother. But the cycle of the victim continued through two marriages. Then I stopped the cycle, but that’s a story for another day
OH NO IT’S CANCER
At the age of 28, I started having trouble with menstruations, they would be very intense and I started bleeding for 3 weeks at a time. I kept going to the doctor about every three months, trying to figure out what was wrong, until I was bleeding every day but 2 or so in a two month time period. I had to wear double pads and undergarments, and wherever I sat or laid there were plastic sheets. It interfered with my entire life. Finally about a year and a half later, it is figured out that I have cervical cancer, and lesions that are causing the symptoms I have been suffering through. At the time my girls were young teens, and to have to look in those faces and tell them I had cancer, was probably one of the hardest things I had to deal with in the whole cancer experience. No one wants to hear the”C” word, and my girls were at such a changing point in their young lives, it really scared them. I had to get a total hysterectomy (it was the 80′s and that was the prescribed treatment), followed by chemotherapy and radiation treatments. My girls watching me go through the treatments were just as scary for them as it was for me. I gained weight instead of losing it, and the hair loss was a chunk of hair on the crown of my head falling out, but interesting enough I lost all the hair on my arms. I experienced only a few side effects. The hair on my arms never came back, and by the way neither has the cancer; I am celebrating 20 years cancer free!!
THE RAPE
I worked as a waitress/bartender for many years of the 80′s, at sports bars mostly, I loved the atmosphere, the football games, basketball games, cheering of the teams, the competition. I knew a lot about sports and sports teams so it was a familiar atmosphere for me. It was 10pm the end of my shift, and the rent was due, so I needed to go to the bank and deposit my check and my tips for tonight so that particular check was covered. The bank was across the street where my car was parked and I wanted to go to the ATM. Just before reaching the bank, someone came from behind and stuck a knife at my back. He told me not to scream or he would kill me. He walked me to a nearby truck that had a cover over the top of the bed. In it contained some paint cans, and cloths in the back. He threw me on the bed of the truck and proceeded to rape me. It was dark and I didn’t see much of his face, but it did seem a bit familiar as did his smell. I listened and did what he told me to do, because I seemed to be in a daze, just wanting to stay alive. When he was finished I grabbed my clothes around me as he pushed me out of the truck to the ground. He told me again, if I looked up he would kill me. I laid there for a couple of minutes after he drove away. There was no one around, I got up put my clothes back on, and went to my car. He had taken my cash, except what was in my shoes, I always kept money in my socks inside my shoes, and since they weren’t taken off me I still had them. The only thing I kept thinking about was that my girls were at home waiting to eat dinner, Taco Bell, oh yeah I had promised them a late dinner, oh my. In a daze I drove to Taco Bell, got their food and went home. I was still in a state of shock, not telling anyone, I went to my room and did the one thing you are not suppose to do, shower. The girls kept knocking on the door, hearing me cry and still in the shower 30 mins later, they finally got into the bathroom and I told them what had happened, they called the police. The details afterwards are fuzzy, the trip to the hospital, the sketch artist, the looking of mug shots. He was never caught. I couldn’t go back to work there. My world just got a whole lot harder. I sunk into a very scary place for awhile. I don’t think I came out of it completely until about 6 years ago, when I stopped drinking and hiding from the pain and the fear.
I played a really good role, to the public I climbed the ladder in the corporate world, and was the over achiever always hiding the pain and the fear, at least from most.
But the one common denominator in all that happened in my life, including these trauma/dramas, is I had faith. I always had faith, and hope! The hope of a better day, and the faith that life would bring happier times was always something I believed would happen. I’ve grown these past 6 years in a spiritual direction and have found a better more improved version of the strong, intelligent, soft, sexy, giving, spiritual being that is Cheryl, Cher, CherBear. All of these are me. There’s is more to all of my life than these specific incidents and I can help you find more also. These have helped me to become the person I am, I look in the mirror every morning and love the woman that looks back at me.
Things like these may be personal traumas, dramas or tragedies, OR are they opportunities to start over? Someone asked me if I would change anything that happened in my life. I thought for a fleeting moment and said no. Everything happened for a reason, and made me the person you see today. Today I can help others who face these fears, traumas/dramas, and I can look them in the eye and say “I came through it, so can you!” Was it necessary to experience those things in my life? It’s just the way it was. I take all that I learned and all the strength that I gathered and all the love that I have absorbed from others who were there for a moment or are still on this journey with me, and I bring it to you.
Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start fresh, take what we know, what we feel, what we learn and put it to work for us instead of against us. There are blessed days to come, let’s share them together!
Love yourself, all that has happened has made you who you are and you are awesome!
Blessings,
Cher
